Look, there’s no delicate way to say this. But – pardon the pun – it pisses me off, so I’m just going to say it.

If you hail from a culture or background where you squat rather than sit when it comes to your bathroom modus operandi, please just bloody SIT in other people’s bathrooms.

This week, for the second time in recent years, I’ve had to change out my toilet seat because I’ve had a service provider or friend who climbs onto the seat to, well, you know.

Western toilet bowl shapes and toilet seats aren’t made to withstand the swinging around that must obviously happen when you’re up there climbing around on it . . . and the result is that, even after one such usage, that toilet seat slides around from side to side whenever it is sat on, thereafter.

Which is not only disconcerting and uncomfortable in general . . . but, in the middle of the night, when one’s cheek or upper leg hits the cold porcelain, is just plain awful. (I’d also rather my bum not have to make contact where someone’s feet or shoes have previously been.)

So, wreck your own loos. Not other people’s. Please. It can get pretty expensive to repeatedly have to replace buggered toilet seats.

And if this article offends anyone, frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. My bank account gets offended when it has to part out for yet another toilet seat and yet another handyman to have to come and install it.